


pas comme lui

by guardsguards



Series: le présent, le passé et l'avenir [3]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Amusement Parks, First Time, Fluff, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Lazy Mornings, M/M, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 03:11:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9472874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/guardsguards/pseuds/guardsguards
Summary: Sequel to 'L'ex-copain' and 'très agréable'.For every bad moment there had been with Camille, there seemed to be a good moment with Todd.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I strongly recommend reading the first two parts of the series before reading this. Rating is for sexual content. Only Day 15 is actually explicit, and can be skipped without missing out on important plot details. The rest is M-rated.

**Day 12**

Todd blinked lazily up at the ceiling, relishing his post-coital mellowness before it was inevitably interrupted by… nothing? That was weird. He could swear that the moment they’d pulled apart – though not too far apart, he could still very much feel Dirk’s presence at his side – Dirk had looked on the verge of listing off his no-doubt numerous thoughts on the experience.

Maybe, Todd thought a little smugly, the sex had been good enough to leave Dirk speechless. That couldn’t be it though; if Dirk could talk with two arrows sticking out of his torso, then he could certainly talk after a bit of – admittedly very good – sex. Besides, Dirk had been predictably vocal throughout the main event.

A quick glance to his side confirmed that Dirk still appeared to have something to say, but was holding it back. Dirk was looking at him with a not-quite-there smile and a gaze that Todd might have described as loving, except that was a terrifying word to use less than two weeks into a relationship that they hadn’t even labelled yet.

“So, uh… good?” Todd asked, then cringed immediately, because that sounded like something a sixteen year-old would ask after an awkward, fumbling attempt at losing their virginity that hadn’t been entirely satisfying for anyone involved.

Dirk didn’t seem to mind, though. In fact, he’d positively lit up as soon as the silence was broken, leaning back in and bringing their lips together for a few tender moments before replying.

“ _Very_ good. In fact, Todd, I think you’re selling yourself short by using the word ‘good’, especially considering ‘good’ is how you described the pasta we had yesterday, and - well-cooked as that pasta may have been - I really don’t think it can compare to _that_.”

Dirk’s smile was audible in his voice as he continued: “I’d suggest keeping a thesaurus by the bed so that you can find a more appropriate word next time, but if you’re anything like me you’re really not in the mood for heavy lifting right now, and any _good_ thesaurus should weigh at least a kilogram… Todd?”

“Yeah, Dirk?”

“There will be a next time, won’t there?” There it was. The tone of voice that Dirk sometimes used, the smallness of it so at odds with his usual personality. The tone that was liable to cause an ache in Todd’s chest and make him want to ask questions that Dirk didn’t want to answer.

“If you want there to be a next time, then yeah.”

In lieu of a spoken response, Todd was suddenly engulfed in a long-limbed embrace, a smiling face nuzzling into his hair. The ache in his chest went away, and the questions could wait.

 

**Day 3**

“Of _course_ I’ve been on a roller coaster before, Todd.”

Those words, and the rolling of eyes that had accompanied their delivery, played on repeat in Todd’s head as they hurtled down the tracks, Dirk apparently trying to shatter the bones in Todd’s right hand with the force of his grip. Fortunately, the memory was soon drowned out by a loud screech upon reaching the next sharp descent.

Ten minutes after getting off of the roller coaster, Dirk had yet to let up his grip on Todd’s hand, though Todd didn’t mind much. He wasn’t usually much of a hand-holder, but Dirk had climbed off of the roller coaster with all the stability of a new-born giraffe, and hand-holding had seemed necessary.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go on another one? I told you, I’m _fine,_ ” Dirk was insisting, still seeming jittery from the adrenaline.

“There’s other stuff to do at theme parks, Dirk, I think a break from the roller coasters might be good for you,” Todd replied, really meaning ‘a break from the roller coasters might give my hand and my ear drums time to recover’.

Dirk looked at him suspiciously, but seemed to accept the answer. Scratch that. It had nothing to do with Todd’s diplomatic skills, Dirk’s attention had just been caught by a Hook-A-Duck stall.

Todd initially refused to play a game that was ‘obviously meant for kids’, but this was a day out with Dirk and so of course he ended up wasting $8 worth of tokens trying to win something. He ended up winning a stuffed duck, and Dirk looked so absurdly happy when Todd pushed it into his arms and said he could keep it that it was worth the embarrassment of playing a kid’s game.

During the walk back to the car, Dirk went mysteriously quiet for a few minutes. The reason for the silence was soon apparent when he said, “You haven’t kissed me yet,” his voice edged with uncertainty.

“Well,” Todd countered, “You haven’t kissed me yet.” After all, in most aspects of his life Dirk was very much a ‘just go for it’ sort of guy. Why would this be any different?

“Oh... No. I suppose I haven’t. Fantastic point, Todd! I haven’t, have I? And why should I wait for you to do it first?” Dirk replied, tone making it sound as if Todd had flipped the universe on its head rather than just point out the obvious.

Dirk was still talking as he leaned in, only stopping a split-second before his lips were pressed to Todd’s. Todd didn’t hesitate to kiss him back, because now that they’d started he realised he’d been missing out on this for much too long.

And Dirk was a surprisingly good kisser, if a little passive to begin with. So good, in fact, that Todd barely managed to withhold a protest when he pulled away.

“ _Drat_ , something’s happened,” Dirk said by way of explanation, looking a little guilty and more than a little disappointed, “A hunch. I should…“ he continued, jabbing his thumb awkwardly in the direction of whatever it was that was drawing his attention. Todd had been too distracted by the kissing to notice anything at all.

“A case?” Todd asked, raising an eyebrow, “We’d better get going then, right?”

Dirk looked perplexed for a moment, then grinned and nodded.

“Right.”

 

**Day 15**

“No way, seriously? How long?” demanded a tinny voice through the speaker of a phone.

“Two weeks now, it’s not _that_ big of a deal,” came the slightly exasperated reply.

“Not that big of a deal? Seriously? This is a huge deal! Obviously I knew he liked you, like, I have eyes, but you getting over yourself and realising you like him back is great. Honestly. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks, Amanda,” Todd replied, voice softening a bit with embarrassment, “I have to go, but I’ll call tomorrow, okay?”. He set down his phone, before continuing in a louder voice, “I heard you come in two minutes ago, you know. And your jacket is sticking out.”

“You were telling Amanda about us,” Dirk said gleefully, as he stepped out from behind the doorframe into the back room of the agency. He didn’t look at all guilty about listening in on Todd’s conversation. “And Farah knows too. Seems like things are getting pretty serious.”

“Yeah, I gues- Wait, you told Farah?”

“Farah has special agent training, Todd, she figured it out from the subtle clues available to her,” Dirk said, in his ‘you’re not being a very good assistant’ tone of voice that was more affectionate than judging. “Well,” he amended, gesturing to a faint red mark just below his jaw, “She saw this, and asked me how I got it.”

Todd was a little embarrassed about the love bite; he wasn’t usually the type to leave marks in such blatant places. Dirk had made absolutely no attempt to cover it up, of course.

For all of Dirk’s overbearing affection and octopus-hugs, he’d never left a mark on Todd. Still, at only three days since they’d first tumbled into bed together, it was a bit early to draw any conclusions from that.

“When you saw Farah, did she mention coming to the agency this afternoon?” Todd asked suddenly, “Or do we have the place all to ourselves?” Seeing Dirk and thinking about love bites had derailed his train of thought onto a different - and not entirely unwelcome - track.

“She didn’t mention coming in. Why? Do you not want to see Farah? Did she do something to upset you?” Dirk asked, starting to respond before letting the question really sink in, as he was often liable to do. “I didn’t reali- oh. _Oooh._ Todd, you _devil_. In the agency? What if a client comes?”

“Clients never come here. They phone in the dead of night, or they magically appear in my kitchen, or they send word by carrier pigeon. Coming to the office would be too normal for the sort of clients we get,” Todd replied with a huff of laughter, “So… no Farah means no interruptions.”

Dirk, despite his apparent misgivings, had closed the distance between them as Todd spoke, his eyes lit up with delight. Within a few minutes, Dirk was balanced half-sitting on the corner of his largely-unused desk, hands seemingly unable to decide where to occupy themselves as they alternated between cupping the back of Todd’s neck and sliding over the skin exposed by Todd’s rucked-up shirt.

After a few increasingly heated kisses, Todd dropped down to his knees. Dirk fumbled for a second with the sudden change of position, then gave Todd a bemused look. “What’re you doing down there?” he asked.

Todd looked equally bemused in turn, though he didn’t let the momentary confusion distract him from starting to unfasten Dirk’s belt. “Isn’t it obvious?” he replied, Dirk’s facial expression indicating that no, apparently it wasn’t obvious, “Sucking you off. I figured this would be easier, since there’s no bed here. You’ve not done this before?”

Dirk’s cheeks flushed as realisation struck, and he nodded mutely, taking a second to find his voice which then immediately betrayed him by cracking on the first syllable of his response. “Oh, no. I mean, yes, I have done it before. Just not exactly like this, you see. But yes, sorry, the answer is yes,” he replied, tripping over the words as he went.

The answer sounded a bit sketchy, but Dirk seemed eager despite the initial confusion, so Todd decided to go ahead. Todd had only done this once before in college, so his technique was hardly impressive, and he was very much restrained by the limits of his gag reflex, but Dirk evidently didn’t mind all that.

His fingers slid through Todd’s hair, tensing every now and then to coincide with a breathy moan, and his eyes were clenched shut, as if watching Todd in the act would be too much to bear on top of everything else. As it was, Dirk barely lasted a couple of minutes, and looked a little lost when Todd pulled away to spit in the trash can.

“You okay, there?” Todd asked, amused by the spaced-out look on Dirk's face.

“Yes,” Dirk mumbled, shaking his head a little and offering Todd a slightly dopy smile, “More than okay. Sorry, I’m being very inconsiderate just standing here. I just wasn’t expecting that to be part of my day.”

“Do you ever expect any of the crazy shit that happens to you?”

“No, I suppose not,” Dirk replied, smile widening, “Now, come here. I want to give you something unexpected too.”

**Day 1**

It had happened a few days after Todd asked Dirk about Camille. Or Jonathan. To be honest, Todd still didn’t really understand the full story, and he definitely wasn’t going to start interrogating Dirk about it. He was losing track of what he’d read in the journal and what he’d been told, which meant any conversation about it involved a risk of revealing that he knew more than he should.

Todd was always the first to admit that he wasn’t a good person.

A soundly sleeping Dirk mumbled unintelligibly against his pillow as Todd rifled through his belongings in the early hours of the morning. “I told you I was an asshole,” he muttered, finally fishing out the small notebook and hesitating for only a moment before opening it and finding page four. Camille’s page.

Where had he left off…? About three quarters of the way down the page.

Except the page had obviously been changed. Scribbled black ink obscured everything below ‘and nice smile’. It occurred to Todd that drudging up the memories must’ve upset Dirk enough that he’d felt the need to come back to this entry and destroy it. Or at least most of it. Evidently there was some memory of Camille that the detective wasn’t willing to let go of.

Todd felt bad. Feeling bad, though, didn’t stop him from continuing to flick through the pages until he reached his own entry. He hadn’t read it before. He shouldn’t read it now.

 

> _**Todd Brotzman (assistant/friend/best friend)** _
> 
>   * _bellboy, formerly. New job: detective’s assistant_
>   * _can be a bit aggressive_
>   * _surprisingly comfortable sofa_
>   * ~~_nice eyes_~~
>   * _just a very good friend_
>   * _wonderful person, giver of t-shirts_
>   * _~~nice smile~~  a good smile for a friend_
>   * _knows a lot about things. past things. university things._
>   * _doesn’t seem to mind though_
>   * _~~nice eyes~~  don’t ruin this_
> 


Dirk shifted in his sleep and Todd slammed the notebook shut, shoving it back where he’d found it and staring wide-eyed at its owner.

Okay, yes, Dirk was a little clingy with him. And yes, sometimes Dirk looked at him like he’d hung the stars in the sky. And perhaps Todd had begun to feel more than just friendly feelings for Dirk. He should have realised as much when he got so jealous seeing that man flirting with Dirk all those months ago.

Todd watched Dirk press his face deeper into the pillow. He was going to ask him out when he woke up. No excuses.

After all, if he asked Dirk out, then at least he could say he betrayed his friend’s trust for a reason.

 

**Day 23**

This all felt gut-wrenchingly familiar.

Usually, Dirk couldn’t sneak up on Todd, because he was a bad sneak-er and Todd was fairly perceptive. Apparently Todd was distracted today, because he hadn’t heard Dirk enter the apartment and walk through to the bedroom and peer around the door frame. Dirk could see what was distracting him.

The day had started off like most days in Dirk’s life, that is to say, completely dissimilar to any other day he’d experienced before. Unlike most days in Dirk’s life, he’d just walked in on a terribly familiar tableau.

Todd, sat on the bed, journal open on his lap. He was even wearing a blue shirt. All the scene was lacking was a phone, and a suddenly-changed accent.

There was one more difference, actually. Dirk didn’t slip away this time.

“Is that my journal?” Todd’s alarmed look, and the way he threw the notebook to the ground – as if that changed the fact that he’d been reading it moments ago – were answer enough. “Why were you- I never said you could read that. It’s private.”

Dirk’s tone sounded detached, even in his own head.

“Is that why you asked about Camille?” he demanded, voice somehow sounding small despite the raising, accusatory volume of it. “You said that was ‘pretty fucked up’, well what would you call this?” A pause, and then, softer: “Is this how you knew I liked you?”

“Dirk,” Todd began, “I’m sorr-“

“Sorry that I caught you? Yes, I bet you are! I’m sure you were having a ball stringing me along,” Dirk snapped, his tone uncharacteristically angry, save for an underlying tremor.

Todd opened his mouth to speak again. Dirk beat him to it.

“Keep the journal. I’m sure you’ll get a good laugh out of it.”

And then he was gone.

 

**Day 22**

Waking up next to Todd was Dirk’s new favourite thing. Well, that wasn’t exactly true. Rather, in the set of all the things Dirk knew of, there was a further subset of all the things Dirk considered his favourite, and ‘waking up next to Todd’ had a secure place in it. Other beloved elements of that subset included: kissing Todd, solving mysteries, hugging Todd, watching Amanda play the drums, holding Todd’s hand, making friends, and an array of other Todd-related things that Dirk felt a little embarrassed to describe – even in his own head – but that had definitely earned their place in the subset.

He couldn’t remember ever having felt this happy with Camille. He wondered briefly if all relationships were like this, when they weren’t based on lies and betrayal.

“You’re thinking too loud,” Todd muttered, words muffled against Dirk’s shoulder.

“Impossible, Todd, I can’t alter the volume of my thoughts. Like, for example…” Dirk paused. “See? Just then, I tried to shout in my head, but it came out the same volume as all my other thoughts. Have you never noticed that before?”

Todd shifted a little so he could meet Dirk’s gaze, wearing the bemused smile he often wore when listening to Dirk. “No, I hadn’t noticed that before. But that’s not what I meant and you know it,” he replied.

“Mmph. No. Too early to read into hidden meanings of things, check back with me in half an hour,” Dirk decided, tugging up the duvet which had shifted down to waist-level in the night.

“Do I also have to check back in half an hour to kiss you?”

“Hm,” Dirk made a show of considering, then smiled, “No, I’ll allow that now.”

By the time they reached the half hour mark indicating that hidden meanings were allowed again, Todd was much too distracted by Dirk’s mouth to care.

 

**Day 24**

Todd stared at the shiny brass plaque of the agency, then looked down at the hastily scribbled sign taped to the door beneath it.

_Todd: You’re fired. Please find your severance pay below._

Below was an empty envelope, which had presumably contained money - whatever amount Dirk had thought was suitable as severance pay - before a passer-by had stolen it. It was almost laughable that Dirk had expected people to ignore an envelope full of cash just because it wasn’t addressed to them, except being reminded of Dirk’s trusting nature was making Todd feel guiltier than he already did.

He went home, and later on Farah called him. Evidently, Dirk hadn’t told her the reason for the break-up as she didn’t sound completely disgusted at him through the phone speaker.

The journal still sat on his bedroom floor where it had been thrown yesterday. Todd ignored it. If only he’d been able to ignore it from the start.

 

**Day 33**

It all came down to the flow of the universe, in the end. Todd shouldn’t have expected any less.

Dirk stood before him, out of breath with his jacket askew and mud coating the bottom half of his trousers. Farah was at his side, looking like a person who didn’t want to be witness to this encounter. Todd wasn’t even that surprised to see Dirk.

He’d left his apartment because the fire alarm went off, and when he’d gotten outside some guy had grabbed his phone and made a run for it down a nearby alley. Looking back, it was obvious that the whole series of events had been orchestrated by the universe to get him face-to-face with Dirk again, who had likely been led to the alley by a similarly coincidental set of circumstances.

Unlike so many opportunities in his life, Todd wasn’t going to waste this one.

“Dirk, I’m-“

“I’m going to secure the perimeter,” Farah declared in a rush. Todd was grateful for the privacy, but Dirk looked a little alarmed when she strode away.

“I’m sorry. I fucked up and I’m sorry,” Todd blurted out, before Dirk could bolt like he obviously wanted to, “And I get why you’re so mad about me going behind your back like that. I felt awful doing it, and that doesn’t make it any better and I have no idea why I didn’t stop after the first time. I was curious, and I guess I just suck as a person.”

There was a long pause. Todd could still hear the ringing of a fire alarm in the distance.

“I didn’t realise how… not-good things were with Camille, until I started dating you,” Dirk replied. Todd was frozen to the spot, he hadn’t really expected an answer at all. “Obviously, I knew the lying was wrong. But now it’s easy to look back and see that everything else was wrong too, and I just didn’t realise because it still made me happy.”

“He was a CIA agent, he probably could’ve fooled anybody,” Todd replied, voice sounding far-off somehow. Dirk, bizarrely, smiled.

“He was a terrible agent. His accent kept changing,” he said, “It’s easy to believe something that you really, _really_ want to be true.”

Todd just nodded. This was probably the most Dirk had ever said to him about the less-fortunate parts of his past.

“And when I saw you reading that journal, I was upset. And then I was angry, at myself as well as you. And then I was scared that I had just been seeing what I wanted to see, missing the warning signs like last time… But I don’t think that’s it. I think it was just a mistake. A really stupid mistake, but a mistake all the same. It’s not like last time,” Dirk explained, the sincerity in his expression almost painful for Todd to see, but he didn’t drop his gaze.

“Does that mean-“

“You’re un-fired, yes. Even good assistants make mistakes, what’s important is that they learn from them,” Dirk replied firmly.

It wasn’t getting back together in every sense of the word, but it was good enough for Todd.

 

**Day 242**

“No. Ah!” Dirk shouted in frustration, so full of frantic energy that he looked like he might burst out of his skin at any moment, “There’s no time to explain. It’s in the dome! We have to stop it or the whole city- the whole country- the whole- we have to stop it or _very bad_ things will happen.”

“I have to get Lucy back to the factory, you heard what the computer said, seven minutes,” Todd replied, gripping the USB drive in his hand like his life depended on it, which it very well might have.

“And we can’t be in two places at once. You’ll have to go alone, I need to- too much to explain, I need to go,” Dirk huffed, clearly conflicted, but he didn’t have much time to make decisions.

“I know. I’ll meet you there as soon as I can,” Todd replied. He leaned in and kissed Dirk, halting the manic rush of the universe for a few sweet seconds.

When they broke apart, no more words were needed. Both men sprinted off in opposite directions, knowing with tried and tested certainty that the universe would soon throw them back together again.


	2. Bonus: Day 117

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was originally between Day 15 and Day 1 in the main part of the fic, but I cut it out because it just didn't flow well in the story.
> 
> However, I really enjoyed writing it and so I've left it here as an added treat for anybody who - like me - can't resist a bit of Jonathan-related angst.

**Day 117**

_“Like a Pensieve, like Dumbledore has?”_

_“I don’t know, Todd, I haven’t read Lord of the Rings. I just know that this bowl stole something from my head and I probably ought to get it back.”_

The end of their conversation was still echoing through Todd’s head, along with a whole slew of thoughts that most certainly weren’t his own. Where even was he? He was home, his brain said, but also this definitely was not Todd’s home.

Ah, of course, because he wasn’t Todd. That much seemed obvious after only the briefest amount of contemplation. He was Dirk. It was a good thing he realised that before opening his eyes, otherwise he would have gotten a shock looking in the mirror opposite the bed.

Dirk was in bed, but fully clothed, and he somehow knew with absolute certainty that it was March 10th 1999\. Dirk’s eyes were filled with tears and his heart was filled with the disconcerting certainty that he would never be truly loved for the rest of his life.

The Dirk part of his brain thought ‘How could I fall for their lies again?’. The still-Todd part of his brain thought ‘Shit, I know when this is.’

Dirk was supposed to be in his _History of Philosophical Ideas_ seminar, which he usually enjoyed thoroughly because of the TA who was always eager to hear Dirk’s theories about the universe. That morning, he’d heard that the TA had mysteriously left without any explanation, and Dirk had immediately known why. His thoughts had spiralled back to Camille, four-days gone from Dirk’s life but still an overwhelming presence in his mind.

His chest hurt, and Todd could barely tell how much of it was Dirk’s remembered heartache and how much of it was the pain Todd felt knowing what Dirk had been through. He soon got the answer to that question when the room began collapsing around him and he was suddenly back in the detective agency, staring into the milky liquid that filled the bowl, chest still aching.

He told everybody that it was a memory of a day at the theme park.

Later that night, when they were alone, he told Dirk the truth.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are always greatly appreciated.
> 
> I'm very grateful for the response this little series has gotten, especially the lovely comments which ended up inspiring many scenes in this fic. 
> 
> You can find me at gentledirkly on tumblr, where I take prompts and post fic updates.


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